I didn't have any reasons to be unhappy. I've been married to the same great guy for almost 15 years, my parents are alive and healthy, my kids are healthy and happy for the most part, and I'd just been through one of the most amazingly spiritual experiences in my life with the coming of my sweet Sophie. (SEE this post for more on that.)
My Bitterness Problem
I have a bitterness problem. I'm not ashamed to admit it either. Sometimes when it seems like all you've done is spin your wheels for about 10 years (mind you this is the ten years you've really been trying hard to do what God wants you to) and mix it with seeing your lack of accomplishments and all the overwhelming amounts of things that need to be done every. single. day. IT"S FRUSTRATING!!! And sometimes demoralizing, depressing, and down-right exhausting.
To make matters a little worse, living in this socially digital world, I see the crafts, playdates, background pics of immaculate homes, lack of enormous laundry piles and Christmas trees in February on my friends' pages. "Comparison is the thief of joy," said Theodore Roosevelt. I think nothing is more true.
In James 3:14, it says, "But if you harbor bitter envy...there you will find disorder and every evil practice." This is where the problems lies. Once I allow the bitterness to wiggle in, I start to lose many positive character traits like patience, kindness, empathy, and yes, finding joy in the simple blessings of life. James 14:30 says "envy rots the bones," meaning it rots you from the inside out. Even more, since the bones are what holds us upright, it destroys the very foundations of what keeps us standing at all.
Let's Take a Bible Story Trip
There are two stories in the Bible that, to me, really show what bitterness looks like. The first, is the Parable of the Lost Son, Jesus told. A father had two sons, one of which asked for his inheritance early, and left to squander it away on the wiles of the world (putting it mildly). Meanwhile, the other son stayed with his father, working the fields and doing anything and everything that his father needed. After some time, the wayward son spent all his money, ended up at rock bottom, and decided to return home. When the father saw his long-gone son, he ran to him and celebrated by giving him a ring, his robe, and slaughtering a fattened calf for a coming-home party. The "good" brother became angry and asked his father why he was so kind and excited to see the wayward son and celebrated when he'd been there the entire time working his tail (my paraphrase) off and got no such recognition. I'm the son who stayed, diligently working everyday waiting for someone to notice. When no one does, the seed of bitterness wiggles in.
The other story takes place with Jesus himself. He and his disciples were traveling, like they generally were, and along the way, Martha opened her home to them. During their stay, Martha's sister Mary sat at Jesus' feet and listened to what He had to say while Martha ran around like a chicken with her head cut off making preparations. Eventually, an exasperated Martha came to Jesus and said, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself?" This me on many days....a worn-out mom faced with too much to do that becomes embittered when no one voluntarily rises to the occasion.
I came across a passage in Lamentations 3 today that describes my bitterness problem to a tee: "I've been deprived of peace; I've forgotten what prosperity (the good life, success, abundance, accomplishment, good fortune...all synonyms) is. So I say, 'My splendor is gone and all that I hope for from the Lord.' I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I will remember them and my soul is downcast within me. This passage is the picture of MY bitterness problem, BUT it takes a turn here: Yet, I call this to mind and I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion, therefor I will wait for Him."
At the retreat, I remember ONE moment where, I was just talking with God like I do, asking him to help the bitterness go away and for my heart to be joyful again. I got a special gift when I heard, "Your joy is only found in me." I wanted to smack myself on the head and say, DUH! I've heard it a million times, but what does it mean to find my JOY in the Lord?
Surrendering Discontentment
I think my first and biggest step toward becoming joyful is to surrender discontentment. It's so easy to compare my life to others and think, wouldn't it be great if we had more money? A bigger house? Someone to help cook and clean everyday? Or if I had more energy? Free time? The list could go on and on and on. I believe without a doubt that God has me where He does because this is where I'm supposed to be. Psalm 90:17 says, "May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us, establish the work of our hands, yes, the work of our hands."
Does that mean I'm always contented with it? NO. But that's only because I choose not to be. I think contentment is a decision where to stop comparing your life to others or wishing you had things you don't and instead choosing to see things differently.
So today, I'm choosing to enjoy the sunshine and warmth, instead of worry about allergies, growing grass, and a very not-manicured lawn. I'm choosing to be glad that God provides ample clothing for my family for so little money, instead of complaining about laundry. I'm choosing to be thankful we have good and healthy food to eat, instead of being frustrated at a dirty kitchen. I'm choosing to be grateful my children are healthy and growing, instead of feeling peeved because my oldest need new shoes AGAIN. I'm choosing to rejoice that my Dad made it through surgery, instead of fretting over regrets that I couldn't be right beside him.
ABOVE ALL...I'm choosing to rest in the never-ending LOVE, GRACE, and MERCY from my Savior and lay my bitterness and discontentment at His feet. To find joy in the Lord, I have to learn to rest in Him. I have to learn to be still like Psalm 46:10, " Be still and know that I am God." This is a favorite verse of mine for many reasons, but even more so when I learned that the command of be still, rapha, means to cause yourself to let go or to become weak. I have to come before God as weak and willing to let go of my old habits and mentalities to begin to find the joy that I've lost.
