What I've Learned From Each of my Kids.....so far.

I don't get asked why I have so many kids very often. I guess it's my resting-grouchy-face that causes people to think twice. When I do, I think of this answer comedian Jim Gaffigan when he was asked why he and his wife had so many kids:

"Well, why not? I guess the reasons against having more children always seemed uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life … each one of them has been a pump of light into my shriveled black heart."

Each of my kids has taught me many things about love, life, myself, and the world that I didn't know before. Here's what I've learned from each of my kids....so far. 

Eddie

I wasn't supposed to have children, so when Eddie entered the world, I knew he was a gift from God. I didn't realize that my heart could love so much when I first held him. I learned selflessness, sacrifice, and more about the love of God from this one little boy than I had in the 24 years before he came. If God loves me more than I love my kids, think of how deep that love must be. 

Eddie is an amazing child and deeply loves God; he reminds me that child-like faith is a wonderful thing. Eddie has more compassion and willingness to help others than many adults I know. I've learned to try and see the world (especially people) through a child's eyes and how Christ would see them with love.

Malakai

This girl continues to surprise me. Malakai was such a happy, smiley baby, so when the wailing, I-sound-like-a-fire-engine tantrums came, it was quite the surprise. Her toddler years were trying and I learned a great deal about patience and reliance on God to survive this girl. Don't get me wrong, she's grown into quite the young lady, but man, those years were hard. FYI...sometimes we still have siren-like fits, even now. 

One thing I'm learning from Malakai is how early girls begin criticizing themselves and their bodies. She's nine and already fights poor self-image. When I was nine, I didn't even care if my hair or teeth were brushed, much less whether or not people thought I was fat or stupid. I'm learning that a HUGE part of this little girl's self-image comes from her perception of mine. I've learned to embrace who God has made me to be, accept the body I've been given, and to nurture the spirit instead of obsessing over a few pounds (well, really, it's more than a few). I'm hoping this will help her see where true beauty lies.

Riley

For those of you who don't know, Riley is one of my adopted sons. He came to me at 20 months; he was barely walking, only saying a few words, and had been seriously neglected. Riley has some issues from the neglect and is often a challenge. I learned much more about patience and forgiveness while parenting this kid. 

I've also learned that sometimes people are made in a way that is so radically different from what you expect them to be. I've learned in parenting this kid that I needed work to change to reach him. When I started praying for me to love him how he needs to be loved and for the ability to reach him on a deeper level, things started to change. Sometimes when a situation is very difficult and nothing seems to work, maybe God needs to change us. 

Silas

This kid. AGH! Si's like pent-up dynamite in a pressurized can. When he came to me he was a tiny baby who was so withdrawn he didn't even cry. Now, he's the rowdy, loud kid I used to scowl towards at the store or in restaurants that would make me criticize his parents' disciplinary skills. I've learned a great deal of humility from parenting Silas, but also a great deal of compassion for other moms with challenging children.

The main thing I've learned from this kid is to let go of perfection. Perfection is an unattainable "standard" that America's mothers project. It's not possible folks. Before my boys came, I wanted to have the perfectly clean house, the perfectly organized life with perfect holidays and perfect kids. It took a long time for me to let go of that. I felt like an inadequate mom since my house was never perfectly clean and Silas generally behaves like a heathen on meth. Then at some point I got it. 

No one is perfect!! There was only one perfect person on the planet and He was God. I've learned that we're all imperfect and that's why we need Jesus Christ. I finally understand grace because God brought me a little boy that pushes me to my limits. Every. Single. Day. 

Sophie

If you've never read about Sophie's delivery experience, please do. From the day she was born, this child has radiated joy. Pure joy.  She smiles almost all the time and everything, I mean everything, makes her happy. Sophie's taught me so much about being JOYFUL and finding joy in the little things. I was missing my joy before she came and God used a surprise baby to help me find it. 

I've also learned that God never gives up on us, mo matter how far we stray. Sometimes I don't realize how far away I've gotten until I'm so far in the pit that it's completely dark. That's how things were before Sophie was born. God gave me this bright, beautiful reminder of His everlasting love, presence, and pursuit of relationship with me. 

I'm only 11 years into the lifelong parenting journey and I'm sure that God is going to teach me so much more through these five amazing children. Hopefully, I won't be bald from pulling my hair out when my last leaves for college. 

I Have a Bitterness Problem: Surrending Discontment

Over a year ago, I went to my church's womens' retreat. I had a two-month-old, preemie baby and four other kids at home and to tell the truth, I was mostly looking forward to sleeping all night and taking an uninterrupted nap, but I also knew I desperately needed something else. I needed to find out where and how I'd lost my joy and how to get it back.

I didn't have any reasons to be unhappy. I've been married to the same great guy for almost 15 years, my parents are alive and healthy, my kids are healthy and happy for the most part, and I'd just been through one of the most amazingly spiritual experiences in my life with the coming of my sweet Sophie. (SEE this post for more on that.)

My Bitterness Problem

I have a bitterness problem. I'm not ashamed to admit it either. Sometimes when it seems like all you've done is spin your wheels for about 10 years (mind you this is the ten years you've really been trying hard to do what God wants you to) and mix it with seeing your lack of accomplishments and all the overwhelming amounts of things that need to be done every. single. day. IT"S FRUSTRATING!!! And sometimes demoralizing, depressing, and down-right exhausting.

To make matters a little worse, living in this socially digital world, I see the crafts, playdates, background pics of immaculate homes, lack of enormous laundry piles and Christmas trees in February on my friends' pages. "Comparison is the thief of joy," said Theodore Roosevelt. I think nothing is more true.

In James 3:14, it says, "But if you harbor bitter envy...there you will find disorder and every evil practice." This is where the problems lies. Once I allow the bitterness to wiggle in, I start to lose many positive character traits like patience, kindness, empathy, and yes, finding joy in the simple blessings of life. James 14:30 says "envy rots the bones," meaning it rots you from the inside out. Even more, since the bones are what holds us upright, it destroys the very foundations of what keeps us standing at all.

Let's Take a Bible Story Trip

There are two stories in the Bible that, to me, really show what bitterness looks like. The first, is the Parable of the Lost Son, Jesus told. A father had two sons, one of which asked for his inheritance early, and left to squander it away on the wiles of the world (putting it mildly). Meanwhile, the other son stayed with his father, working the fields and doing anything and everything that his father needed. After some time, the wayward son spent all his money, ended up at rock bottom, and decided to return home. When the father saw his long-gone son, he ran to him and celebrated by giving him a ring, his robe, and slaughtering a fattened calf for a coming-home party. The "good" brother became angry and asked his father why he was so kind and excited to see the wayward son and celebrated when he'd been there the entire time working his tail (my paraphrase) off and got no such recognition. I'm the son who stayed, diligently working everyday waiting for someone to notice. When no one does, the seed of bitterness wiggles in.

The other story takes place with Jesus himself. He and his disciples were traveling, like they generally were, and along the way, Martha opened her home to them. During their stay, Martha's sister Mary sat at Jesus' feet and listened to what He had to say while Martha ran around like a chicken with her head cut off making preparations. Eventually, an exasperated Martha came to Jesus and said, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself?" This me on many days....a worn-out mom faced with too much to do that becomes embittered when no one voluntarily rises to the occasion.

I came across a passage in Lamentations 3 today that describes my bitterness problem to a tee: "I've been deprived of peace; I've forgotten what prosperity (the good life, success, abundance, accomplishment, good fortune...all synonyms) is. So I say, 'My splendor is gone and all that I hope for from the Lord.' I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I will remember them and my soul is downcast within me.  This passage is the picture of MY bitterness problem, BUT it takes a turn here: Yet, I call this to mind and I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion, therefor I will wait for Him."

At the retreat,  I remember ONE moment where, I was just talking with God like I do, asking him to help the bitterness go away and for my heart to be joyful again. I got a special gift when I heard, "Your joy is only found in me." I wanted to smack myself on the head and say, DUH! I've heard it a million times, but what does it mean to find my JOY in the Lord?

Surrendering Discontentment

I think my first and biggest step toward becoming joyful is to surrender discontentment. It's so easy to compare my life to others and think, wouldn't it be great if we had more money? A bigger house? Someone to help cook and clean everyday? Or if I had more energy? Free time? The list could go on and on and on. I believe without a doubt that God has me where He does because this is where I'm supposed to be. Psalm 90:17 says, "May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us, establish the work of our hands, yes, the work of our hands."

Does that mean I'm always contented with it? NO. But that's only because I choose not to be. I think contentment is a decision where to stop comparing your life to others or wishing you had things you don't and instead choosing to see things differently.

So today, I'm choosing to enjoy the sunshine and warmth, instead of worry about allergies, growing grass, and a very not-manicured lawn. I'm choosing to be glad that God provides ample clothing for my family for so little money, instead of complaining about laundry. I'm choosing to be thankful we have good and healthy food to eat, instead of being frustrated at a dirty kitchen. I'm choosing to be grateful my children are healthy and growing, instead of feeling peeved because my oldest need new shoes AGAIN. I'm choosing to rejoice that my Dad made it through surgery, instead of fretting over regrets that I couldn't be right beside him.

ABOVE ALL...I'm choosing to rest in the never-ending LOVE, GRACE, and MERCY from my Savior and lay my bitterness and discontentment at His feet. To find joy in the Lord, I have to learn to rest in Him. I have to learn to be still like Psalm 46:10, " Be still and know that I am God." This is a favorite verse of mine for many reasons, but even more so when I learned that the command of be still, rapha, means to cause yourself to let go or to become weak. I have to come before God as weak and willing to let go of my old habits and mentalities to begin to find the joy that I've lost.